@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

You Might Also Like

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

@BGH70

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

@TheWidowmakerX

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

@CopBroughtPizza

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.