@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

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@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

@Playing_Dad

*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure

@prodigal_bran

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night

@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@pbear79

If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

@Social_Mime

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.