the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

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Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.


*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure


“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night


Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!


If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.


Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.


My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.


God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.


not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven


Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.