the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Jogging
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.