Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
6. MY FAVOURITE TEXT POST OF ALL TIME PROBABLY
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.