the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
OH. COME. ON.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Got him!
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Check out the legs on this baby
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off