The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Boom, boom, ching!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
…..pretty much.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“and how does that make you feel?”
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing