The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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Need this in my life lol
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
reviewed some movies recently
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?