Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid