The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think