The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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The legends were true
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
He wanted to make sure😂
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions