The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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A bucket of water can be used in place of a mirror, but it won’t show a perfect image of you.
Just a pail reflection.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
is it too early for christmas memes
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU