The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.