The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You got this…
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
This kid will have a bright future.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out