The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
kids play hide and seek like
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Breaking news:
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw