Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

bad
worse
worst
worchester

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!