The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
buying dead houseplants to save time
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.