“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
smartest karate player in the world
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Venn
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past