“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual