“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x