@FredTaming
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
@juneohara65
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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@FredTaming
@pilau
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
@PleaseBeGneiss
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
@MatCro
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
@JoParkerBear
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
@TheAndrewNadeau
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
@bobvulfov
if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”
@UncleDuke1969
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
@iAmDelFreaky
This is embarrassing.
I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.
He’s watching me tweet this.
I’m fired.
@LurkAtHomeMom
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically