“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look



[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.


Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.


Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.


ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.


if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”


“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


This is embarrassing.

I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.

He’s watching me tweet this.

I’m fired.


Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically