“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Candles never taste the way they smell
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.