Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

this is the best day of my life

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

January has been Januweary

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.