Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

☠️

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

what

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.