The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?