The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!