The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest