Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

doing some research

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler