The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
You Might Also Like
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
forgive me baja for i have blast
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
