@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

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@Izianikapani

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@Thynebear

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer