The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll


[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!


[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.


Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.


if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer