The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*exercises sarcastically*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.