The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
San Francisco has too many rules
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad