The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
👾👾👾
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.