The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me