Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

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