The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Bike for sale
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!