The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.