Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Dietest Coke

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

I’m sorry…what?

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.