The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You Might Also Like
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
🌱🌱🌱
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess