The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.