The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous