The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
What number SPF blocks people?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means