The only equipped I am is ill.
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
This checks out
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
RT if you could go either way.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist