The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Thursday Thought.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven