The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Lol
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird