Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!