The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.