The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie