The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Welcome to the stomach
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!