The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
no one ever comes back
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
