The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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