The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.
You Might Also Like
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.