The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one