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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
pep talk
It was worth a shot 😂
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not