The only good comments section online is on recipes
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums