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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?