Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

The game has officially changed 😎

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Real bees work best

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.