The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.