The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.