The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
At least he brought enough for everyone
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
gm
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
