The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up