The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.