The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
You Might Also Like
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Stop sending me this shit.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion