Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill