Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Taco Bell, Exit 22

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?