The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
life finds a way
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.