The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday