The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.