The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
podcasts
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.