Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops