The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
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My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”