Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.