The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
You Might Also Like
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.