The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Imma just leave this here…………
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos