The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)