Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

An odd boast

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”