Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

the icebreaker

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Holy crap this is wonderful

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy