Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

i think both sides are to blame here

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*