Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets