my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Weighing up my bread heating options
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’