Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

U talkin 2 me?

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

What a year we’ve had this week.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Möther may I have a snäck

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk