the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
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Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.