the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
![]()
You Might Also Like
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
![]()
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
![]()
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I feel seen
![]()
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Not all heroes wear capes…
![]()
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.