Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Thinking about Jeff

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.